Unlearning People Pleasing

For most of my life, I believed being good meant being agreeable. I thought love was something you earned by anticipating what others wanted and becoming that version of yourself. I learned very early how to read rooms, moods, silences. I became skilled at adjusting. Too skilled.

People pleasing did not feel like a choice. It felt like survival. It showed up as over explaining, apologizing when I had done nothing wrong, shrinking my needs so they would not inconvenience anyone else. I told myself I was being kind. What I was really doing was abandoning myself over and over again.

The hardest part to admit is how much control it gave other people. If your sense of worth is tied to approval, then whoever withholds it holds the power. I let decisions about my body, my future, my relationships, and my voice be shaped by what would cause the least conflict. I avoided disappointment at all costs, even when the cost was me.

Over time, that creates a deep confusion. You stop knowing what you want. You start checking externally before trusting internally. You ask for permission to exist as yourself. I did that for years, without realizing how disconnected I had become from my own instincts.

The shift did not happen all at once. It started quietly. Small moments where something in me said no, even when my mouth still said yes. Moments where I noticed the resentment that followed compliance. Moments where I realized that being liked did not actually make me feel safe.

Learning to avoid people pleasing has meant learning to pause. To notice when my body tightens before I agree to something. To ask myself a simple question before responding. Do I actually want this. If the answer is unclear, that is still an answer.

It has also meant letting people be uncomfortable. That part was terrifying at first. Discomfort used to feel like danger. Now I am learning that it is often just honesty arriving later than expected. Other people are allowed to feel disappointed. They are allowed to have opinions. That does not mean I have to reorganize myself around them.

Trusting myself has been the biggest lesson. Trusting that I can make decisions without polling everyone else. Trusting that I am capable of handling the consequences of my own choices. Trusting that my inner voice deserves as much respect as anyone else’s expectations.

I am still unlearning. Still catching myself in old patterns. But each time I choose myself, even imperfectly, something steadies inside me. I am no longer living to be approved of. I am living to be aligned.

That has changed everything.